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It might start with something that seems harmless.
“Who are you texting?”
“Why didn't you answer my call?”
“Send me your location so I know you're safe.”
At first, these questions might feel like concern, love, or protectiveness. But when checking in becomes constant monitoring, when privacy leads to arguments, or when saying no comes with consequences, something isn't right.
Digital abuse doesn't always look like a threat. Sometimes, it looks like someone who wants access to every part of your life. And because technology is so deeply connected to how we communicate, work, and maintain relationships, this kind of abuse can be difficult to recognize.
Digital abuse happens when someone uses phones, social media, messaging apps, or other technology to monitor, intimidate, harass, or control another person.
It can happen in marriages, dating relationships, and even after a relationship has ended.
Unlike other forms of abuse, digital abuse can follow someone almost everywhere. A woman may leave an uncomfortable situation physically, only to continue receiving threatening messages, repeated calls, or demands to explain where she is and who she's with.
The issue isn't the technology itself. It's how someone chooses to use it to gain power and control over another person.
One of the most confusing things about digital abuse is that it can be disguised as love.
“I only check your phone because I care about you.”
“I worry when I don't know where you are.”
“Couples shouldn't have secrets.”
These statements can make controlling behaviour seem reasonable, especially when trust, loyalty, and commitment are important values in a relationship.
For some women, cultural expectations, family pressures, or concerns about community judgment can make it even harder to question these behaviours.
But care should not require constant surveillance. Trust should not depend on surrendering your privacy.
A healthy relationship makes room for both connection and independence.
Digital abuse isn't always obvious. Some behaviours may seem normal at first in a relationship, especially when they're presented as signs of love or concern.
Here are seven warning signs worth recognizing.
There's a difference between choosing to share something with your partner and feeling pressured to do so.
A partner may insist on knowing your phone password, reading private conversations, or accessing your social media accounts.
They might say, “If you have nothing to hide, why won't you show me?”
But privacy is not the same as secrecy, and being in a relationship doesn't mean giving up your right to personal boundaries.
Everyone deserves a sense of independence and personal space, even in the closest relationships. You might have private conversations with friends, personal thoughts you're not ready to share, or simply want to use your phone without someone checking over your shoulder. None of these things mean you're hiding something or being dishonest.
Healthy relationships are built on trust, not constant access. Trust means respecting each other's boundaries without demanding proof of loyalty. When a partner insists on reading your messages, knowing your passwords, or checking your phone, it can create an environment where you feel constantly watched or pressured to explain yourself.
You should be able to maintain your privacy without feeling guilty, afraid, or like you have something to prove.
Sharing your location can be helpful when it's mutual and voluntary. It can offer peace of mind, especially when traveling or making sure someone gets home safely.
But when someone demands to know where you are at all times, questions every stop you make, or becomes angry when your location isn't available, that behaviour can become controlling.
Over time, you may start feeling like you need permission to go places or that you have to justify every decision. You might avoid making spontaneous plans, visiting friends, or stopping somewhere on your way home because you're worried about how your partner will react.
What should be a simple way to stay connected can become a way to monitor and restrict your independence.
Maybe you're at work, spending time with family, praying, or simply taking a moment for yourself. Yet your phone keeps ringing. When you finally respond, you're met with accusations, anger, or guilt.
A partner might question why you took so long to reply, accuse you of ignoring them, or assume you're hiding something. What starts as a few missed calls or unanswered messages can gradually turn into an expectation that you must always be available.
Over time, you may find yourself constantly checking your phone, even when you're busy, or feeling anxious when you can't respond immediately. You might interrupt conversations, rush through activities, or feel the need to explain every missed call just to avoid an argument.
Healthy communication allows room for both connection and personal space. Being in a relationship doesn't mean you have to be reachable at all times, and a delayed response should never become a reason for accusations, punishment, or intimidation.
Digital abuse can also involve controlling someone's online identity and how they interact with others on social media.
A partner might dictate which photos you can share, demand that you delete certain contacts, question who likes or comments on your posts, or become upset when you interact with certain people online. They may insist that these restrictions are about respect, loyalty, or protecting your relationship.
But there's a difference between discussing boundaries together and one person deciding what the other is allowed to do.
Over time, you might begin second-guessing everything you post or share. You may delete photos, avoid responding to messages, unfollow friends, or stop using social media altogether because you're worried about your partner's reaction.
What looks like a personal choice from the outside may actually be the result of pressure behind closed doors.
When someone feels they must constantly change their online behaviour to avoid arguments, accusations, or punishment, it can gradually affect their confidence, independence, and connections with others.
A healthy relationship should allow both partners to maintain their individuality, friendships, and personal boundaries, online and offline.
In a relationship, it's natural to share personal thoughts, photographs, private conversations, and things you might not feel comfortable sharing with anyone else. But when a partner uses that trust against you, it can become a form of digital abuse.
An abusive partner might threaten to share private messages, personal photographs, or sensitive information if you don't do what they want. They may bring up things you've shared in confidence during arguments or threaten to expose personal details to your family, friends, or community.
For some women, these threats can be particularly frightening when they involve cultural expectations, family relationships, or concerns about their reputation.
Even if a partner never follows through on these threats, the fear of what they might do can be enough to keep someone silent or compliant.
You may find yourself agreeing to things you're uncomfortable with, avoiding disagreements, or staying in a relationship because you're afraid of how your partner might use your personal information against you.
Trusting someone with your private life should never give them the power to control it. A healthy relationship is one where personal information is treated with care and respect, not used as leverage during disagreements or as a way to maintain control.
Digital abuse isn't always about monitoring your activity. Sometimes, it's about limiting your ability to connect with others.
A controlling partner may block contacts, delete messages, impersonate you online, or interfere with your conversations. They might pressure you to stop communicating with certain friends or family members, leave group chats, or withdraw from online communities.
In some cases, they may go further by taking away your phone, locking away your devices, restricting internet access, or controlling when and how you communicate with others.
Over time, you may find yourself increasingly disconnected from the people you once relied on. You might stop reaching out to avoid arguments or because you're worried your conversations are being monitored.
This isolation can make it harder to recognize unhealthy patterns, seek advice, or ask for help.
Healthy relationships should strengthen your connections with others, not make you feel cut off from the people who care about you.
Ending a relationship doesn't always end digital abuse.
An abusive former partner may continue sending unwanted messages, monitoring social media, creating new accounts to make contact, or using shared devices and accounts to track someone's activities.
They may repeatedly call from different numbers, contact friends or family to find out where you are, or use information shared online to keep track of your life. In some cases, they may use shared passwords, family accounts, or location-sharing features to continue accessing information without your knowledge.
For women who have left an abusive relationship, this ongoing monitoring can be especially distressing. Even after creating physical distance, they may feel like they are still being watched, making it difficult to regain a sense of privacy, independence, and safety.
You might hesitate before posting a photo, visiting a familiar place, or reconnecting with friends because you're worried that your former partner will find out.
Leaving a relationship should not mean having to disappear from your own life to feel safe.
If the monitoring or harassment continues after separation, it's important to recognize that this behaviour can still be a form of abuse. You deserve support in protecting your privacy, establishing boundaries, and rebuilding your life without fear.
If any of these experiences sound familiar, you don't have to decide what they mean for your relationship immediately. Recognizing a pattern of control is an important first step.
If it is safe to do so, consider speaking with someone you trust or reaching out to an organization that supports women experiencing abuse.
You may also want to seek guidance on protecting your digital privacy. However, making sudden changes to passwords, accounts, or location settings can sometimes alert an abusive partner and increase the risk of harm.
Your safety matters more than making immediate changes to your devices or accounts.
If you believe someone is monitoring your phone or online activity, consider using a safer device to seek support.
Abuse doesn't have to leave a physical mark to have a lasting impact.
Living with constant monitoring, accusations, or threats can affect a woman's confidence, independence, relationships, and emotional well-being.
At Nisa Foundation, we recognize that abuse can take many forms, including behaviours that are difficult for others to see.
Through our helpline, shelter and housing support, and mental health services, we support women as they navigate difficult circumstances and work toward safer, more independent lives.
Whether you're beginning to question something in your relationship or looking for support after experiencing abuse, you deserve to be heard and treated with dignity.
Love should never make you feel like you are being watched. And safety should never come at the cost of your freedom.
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