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Your words can make a bigger difference than you think.
Your friend tells you her husband has been controlling her. Your sister admits she's afraid of her spouse. A coworker shares something troubling about her relationship.
And suddenly, you don't know what to say.
Do you ask questions? Offer advice? Tell her to leave? What if you accidentally make things worse?
When someone opens up about abuse, it's normal to feel unsure about how to respond. You might want to fix everything immediately, but what she needs most might be something much simpler: someone who listens, believes her, and doesn't judge.
Here are five things you can say, plus a few things to avoid.
Not: "Are you sure that's what happened?"
Imagine finally working up the courage to tell someone about something painful, only to have them question whether you're telling the truth. For someone experiencing abuse, that fear can be very real.
She may have spent months or years being told she's too sensitive, that she's imagining things, or that the abuse is somehow her fault. And if her partner is well-liked or respected in the community, she may already be worried that nobody will believe her.
You don't need proof. You don't need to hear both sides of the story before offering compassion. Sometimes, three simple words can help someone feel heard for the first time in a long time.
Try this instead: "I believe you. Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me."
Not: "Well, what did you do?"
When someone tells you about abuse, it's easy to start asking questions. What happened before the argument? Did she say something that upset him? Has she tried being more patient?
But questions like these can unintentionally make her feel responsible for someone else's behaviour.
Abuse is a choice made by the person causing harm. It isn't something someone earns by making a mistake, disagreeing, or failing to meet another person's expectations.
This is especially important in communities where women may feel pressure to keep their families together, remain patient, or stay silent about marital problems.
Remind her that her safety and dignity matter, regardless of her circumstances.
Try this instead: "Nothing you said or did makes it okay for someone to treat you this way."
Not: "Why Don't You Just Leave?"
It can take multiple attempts to leave an abusive relationship. In fact, the National Domestic Violence Hotline cites an average of seven times before a survivor leaves for good.
Why? Because leaving isn't always as simple as walking out the door.
What if she has nowhere to go? What if she's financially dependent on her partner? What if she's worried about losing her children, disappointing her family, or facing backlash from her community?
What if she's afraid he'll hurt her if she tries to leave?
These fears aren't unfounded. Leaving an abusive relationship can be one of the most dangerous periods for a survivor.
Instead of pressuring her to make a decision, focus on what she needs right now.
Maybe she wants information about her options. Maybe she needs someone to accompany her to an appointment. Maybe she's simply looking for someone to listen.
Try this instead: "You don't have to make any decisions right now. What would help you feel safer or more supported?"
Not Just: "Let Me Know If You Need Anything."
We've all said it.
"Let me know if you need anything."
And we genuinely mean it. But when someone is navigating abuse, even figuring out what kind of help to ask for can feel overwhelming.
Sometimes, a specific offer can make it easier for her to accept support.
For example:
One important thing to remember: an abusive partner may be monitoring her messages, calls, or location. Always ask whether it's safe to contact her before sending information or checking in.
And if she declines your offer, respect her decision.
Try this instead: "I can help you look into support options, if you'd like. There's no pressure."
Not: "If You're Going to Stay, I Can't Help You."
This one can be difficult. You listen to her. You encourage her to get help. You worry about her safety.
And then she tells you she's staying.
Or perhaps she leaves, only to return to the relationship later.
It's understandable to feel frustrated or scared for someone you care about. But expressing that frustration through judgment or ultimatums can leave her feeling even more isolated.
Leaving an abusive relationship is often a complicated process, not a single decision. She may need time, resources, emotional support, and a safe plan before she's able to take her next steps.
You can be honest about your concerns without making your support conditional on her leaving.
That doesn't mean putting yourself in danger, ignoring your own boundaries, or taking responsibility for fixing her situation.
It simply means reminding her that she still has someone she can turn to.
Try this instead: "I care about you, and I'm worried about your safety. Whatever you decide, you can still talk to me."
When someone tells you they're being abused, you might feel like you need to say something profound or come up with the perfect solution.
You don't.
You don't have to be a counsellor, social worker, or expert in abusive relationships to respond with compassion.
Listen. Believe her. Avoid judgment. Ask what she needs.
And remember that being there for someone doesn't mean you have to figure everything out for them.
Sometimes, the most meaningful thing you can do is make sure she knows she's not alone.
If someone you care about is experiencing abuse, you don't have to navigate the situation on your own. Nisa Foundation provides culturally responsive support to women through our helpline, shelter, mental health services, and other community programs.
Whether you're looking for resources for yourself or hoping to help someone else, reaching out can be a first step toward understanding the options available.
If someone is in immediate danger, call 911.
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